chopin
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Posts: 78
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Post by chopin on Feb 28, 2013 12:33:16 GMT -5
Facing Mass Layoffs, Taliban Protest US Sequester
27 February 2013
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QUETTA, PAKISTAN – As the United States rapidly approaches the deadline for sequestration, President Obama is getting support from an unlikely quarter: Taliban spiritual leader Mullah Muhammad Omar.
In a video released today, Taliban spokesman Zabibullah Mujahid read a statement from the group’s supreme leader: ”I, Mullah Muhammad Omar, Emir of the Taliban, Commander of the Boy Brigades, Custodian of the Holy Poppy Fields, Rocker of the Casbah, Sultan of Swing …”
After several minutes Zabibullah was able to read the actual contents of the statement, where the Taliban leader addressed what he referred to as the “dire consequences” if Congress fails to resolve the sequestration issue:
“Peace be upon you, American infidels. As you are aware, because of your inability to pass a simple budget, you are facing up to $40 billion in defense cuts for your fiscal year 2013,” Zabibullah read. “While we are totally fine with these cuts devastating your military and economy, there will also be some catastrophic consequences for us as well.”
“Half our budget comes from skimming off your operations in Afghanistan. Without hard American dollars, hundreds of Taliban fighters will be laid off over the coming year and forced onto the streets to beg like common women.”
Omar’s statement was rather apocalyptic at the consequences of the automatic budget cuts: ”With the money we have, we will barely be able to bribe members of the [Pakistani] Frontier Corps!”
When asked about the Taliban’s statement, White House spokesman Jay Carney was blunt. “This is more proof that it is not just the American people who want strong action on President Obama’s deficit reduction program, but also the people of Afghanistan as well. Because they understand that these cuts will impact the whole world.”
Others thought Mullah Omar’s statement was overblown. Conservatives in particular believe that Mullah Omar is using fuzzy math.
“Even if the sequester goes into effect, the federal budget for this year will still be larger than last year’s,” Grover Norquist of Americans For Tax Reform told The Duffel Blog. “But the Taliban are telling the American people that unless government gets an even bigger raise, they’re not going to be able to conduct as many attacks as they normally do. I think that’s just disgraceful. The Haqqani Network and Gulbuddin Hekmatyar receive much less funding but conduct twice as many attacks: more proof that smaller government works.”
“Why go through all the grief of having the Taliban extort us when we can simply give the money directly to the Karzai government and the Taliban can extort it from them?” asked Malou Innocent, a foreign policy analyst at the CATO Institute.
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) tried to strike a balance, contending it was Taliban spending that was truly to blame.
“These are false choices. We are faced with the negative effects of the sequester because the Taliban have not been able to take even the smallest step towards controlling spending. If they simply budgeted the runoff from our waste, we wouldn’t be having this debate. They need to stop pretending this is some kind of campaign for giving zakat. It’s going to be wasted on jihad, pure and simple.”
Zabibullah was not taking the criticism laying down.
“It’s the U.S. who cannot pass the budget,” he told reporters in a Q&A session following the statement. “They and they alone are to blame for our troubles. Our salaries will be cut almost in half. New recruits will be furloughed indefinitely, effective on 1 March. I do not know how this Jew [Cantor] thinks we run jihad, but zakat is for zakat, nothing else!”
As of Wednesday the government remained deadlocked and neither the Taliban, nor Washington remained optimistic.
“The Republicans in Congress need to learn to moderate themselves,” Zabibullah said. “There are two kinds of people I can’t stand: extremists and Jews.”
“This is what you get, when you stray from the sharia,” warned Zabibullah, “fiscal insolvency.”
---- from Duffel Blog ---
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chopin
Junior Member
Posts: 78
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Post by chopin on Feb 28, 2013 12:56:32 GMT -5
Oakland Rapper Pope Emeritus Threatens Lawsuit
February 27, 2013
OAKLAND (The Borowitz Report)—
The Vatican’s plan to call the retiring pontiff Benedict XVI “Pope Emeritus” hit a snag today, in the form of a threatened lawsuit by an Oakland-based rapper who has been recording under that name since 2006.
“I don’t care who he is, I ain’t let nobody mess with my brand,” said Mr. Emeritus, who prior to 2006 recorded under the name Notorious P.O.P.E.
While the Vatican said it was unaware that Mr. Emeritus had already claimed the name seven years ago, the Oakland rapper scoffed at that idea: “They should have done what I did before I picked it out: Google it.”
Furious at what he is calling a clear case of trademark infringement, Mr. Emeritus said that he has no intention of stepping aside for the former pontiff: “He’s the one who should step aside. Call himself P. Biddy or something. This is wack, yo.”
According to a source close to the Vatican, Benedict is likely to choose another name for himself rather than risk a legal tussle with the aggrieved rapper: “The last thing the Church needs right now is another lawsuit.”
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chopin
Junior Member
Posts: 78
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Post by chopin on Feb 28, 2013 13:01:34 GMT -5
Chinese Third-Graders Falling Behind U.S. High School Students in Math, ScienceCHESTNUT HILL, MA—According to an alarming new report published Wednesday by the International Association for the Evaluation of Educational Achievement, third-graders in China are beginning to lag behind U.S. high school students in math and science. The study, based on exam scores from thousands of students in 63 participating countries, confirmed that in mathematical and scientific literacy, American students from the ages of 14 to 18 have now actually pulled slightly ahead of their 8-year-old Chinese counterparts. “This is certainly a wake-up call for China,” said Dr. Michael Fornasier, an IEA senior fellow and coauthor of the report. “The test results unfortunately indicate that education standards in China have slipped to the extent that pre-teens are struggling to rank among even the average American high school student.” “Simply put, how can these third-graders be expected to eventually compete in the global marketplace if they’re only receiving the equivalent of a U.S. high school education?” Fornasier added. ![]() o.onionstatic.com/images/19/19667/original/700.jpg[/img] --- from The Onion ----
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bax
Junior Member
Posts: 74
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Post by bax on Mar 1, 2013 8:02:58 GMT -5
Thanks for the morning smiles, Chopes!!! Best regards, right through, blood!!!
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chopin
Junior Member
Posts: 78
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Post by chopin on Mar 5, 2013 14:48:33 GMT -5
Insensitive Remarks Led to Young Scalia’s Firing by Kinko’s
March 5, 2013
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — At the Supreme Court today, Justice Antonin Scalia told his fellow Justices how privileged he felt to serve on the highest court in the land, adding, “I can say stuff here that got me fired at Kinko’s.”
Responding to quizzical looks from his fellow Justices, Scalia related a little-known chapter from his career, when he briefly worked for the copying establishment in the mid-nineteen-seventies.
“They were pretty uptight,” he reminisced. “It seemed like every time I opened my mouth I got hauled into H.R.”
According to Justice Scalia, “The gal in Human Resources told me, ‘Nino, you can’t just go around insulting blacks and women and whatnot. There’s not a workplace in the country that will tolerate that.’ ”
“Well, guess what? She was right—until I got this job,” he chuckled.
But even as he expressed gratitude for the freedom to offend gays, minorities, and women in his current position, Mr. Scalia admitted, “It has basically spoiled me for life in the real world.”
“I’ll be at some ballgame shooting my mouth off, and suddenly I’m face down in the ground with someone’s foot up my ass,” he said. “And then I’ll have to remind myself, ‘Nino, if you’ve got something to say, save it for the Supreme Court.’ ”
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chopin
Junior Member
Posts: 78
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Post by chopin on Mar 25, 2013 16:48:24 GMT -5
Scalia Says Marriage Views Not Affected by Lifelong Fear of Gays
The Borowitz Report
March 25, 2013
As the Supreme Court prepared to hear two cases involving same-sex marriage this week, Justice Antonin Scalia said that he would not allow his votes to be influenced “in any way” by his lifelong fear of gays.
“As Justices of the Supreme Court, we have a sacred duty to check our personal feelings at the door,” he told the Fox News Channel. “In my case, that means putting aside my longstanding and profound fear of homosexuals.”
Justice Scalia added that he was committed “to safeguarding the rights of all Americans—even those I personally find terrifying.”
“I take my role as an impartial arbiter very seriously,” he said. “So when I hear a case, I put all feelings of abhorrence, disgust, and revulsion completely out of my mind.”
The Justice said that when it came to the issue of same-sex marriage he would rely on the Constitution, “which makes no mention of gays whatsoever.”
“Remember, when the framers wrote the Constitution, there were no gays in America,” he said. “They didn’t come here until the nineteen-sixties.”
All in all, he said, advocates of same-sex marriage should rest assured that he will listen to this week’s arguments with an open mind: “I’m going to apply the same robust sense of fairness that I’ve brought to cases involving blacks and women.”
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chopin
Junior Member
Posts: 78
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Post by chopin on Apr 18, 2013 13:53:30 GMT -5
Courageous Senators Stand Up to American People
by Andy Borowitz
The Borowitz Report (The news, reshuffled)
18 April 2013
WASHINGTON — In the halls of the United States Senate, dozens of Senators congratulated themselves today for having what one of them called “the courage and grit to stand up to the overwhelming wishes of the American people.”
“We kept hearing, again and again, that ninety per cent of the American people wanted us to vote a certain way,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky). “Well, at the end of the day, we decided that we weren’t going to cave in to that kind of special-interest group.”
“It was a gut check, for sure, but we had to draw a line in the sand,” agreed Senator Lindsey Graham (R-S. Carolina). “If we had voted the way the American people wanted us to, it would have sent the message that we’re here in Washington to be nothing more than their elected representatives.”
Calling yesterday’s Senate action “a bipartisan effort,” Senator Mark Pryor (D-Arkansas) said, “This proves that on a matter that affects the safety of every man, woman, and child in the nation, we can reach across the aisle to defy the interests of all of them.”
Senator McConnell agreed that yesterday’s vote “sent a powerful message,” adding, “If the American people think that just because they voted us into office and pay our salaries, benefits, and pensions, we are somehow obliged to listen to them, they are sorely mistaken.”
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chopin
Junior Member
Posts: 78
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Post by chopin on May 3, 2013 8:54:28 GMT -5
Pope Francis Tells Pope Benedict to Stop Rolling His Eyes in Meetings
by Andy Borowitz
The Borowitz Report (The news, reshuffled)
May 2, 2013
VATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report)—Pope Emeritus Benedict’s return to the Vatican began on a sour note today as the current Pope, Francis, reprimanded him for rolling his eyes sarcastically during meetings, observers said.
The trouble started when the former Pope showed up at a meeting Francis scheduled to discuss plans for his Christmas mass, a meeting that “Benedict wasn’t even invited to,” a Vatican source said.
“It was awkward,” the source said. “Francis started talking about making an appeal to the world’s poor, and then Benedict started sighing in this really loud and obnoxious way.”
After about ten minutes of suffering through Benedict’s sighing and eye-rolling, Francis “totally called him out on it,” the source said, adding, “What Benedict was doing was totally disrespectful. Plus, he is supposed to be retired, so he shouldn’t have been wearing his Pope costume.”
Reached at his apartment at the Vatican, Benedict downplayed the incident, saying he “was just trying to be helpful.”
“Look, Francis is insecure—I get that,” he said. “He’s new at being Pope and it’s not surprising that he’s making so many mistakes. Once he checks his ego at the door, I think he’ll thank his lucky stars that old Benedict is around to back him up.”
Sources said that Benedict ignited tensions upon his return to Vatican City earlier this week when he posted a sign outside his residence reading “Home of the Original Pope.”
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Post by ignatiusjean on May 3, 2013 17:02:57 GMT -5
LOL reminds me of de papa jab and toujou sous 1996
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chopin
Junior Member
Posts: 78
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Post by chopin on May 4, 2013 9:27:07 GMT -5
N.R.A. Leader Warns of Rising Cost of Senators
by Andy Borowitz
The Borowitz Report (The news, reshuffled)
May 3, 2013
HOUSTON (The Borowitz Report)—National Rifle Association C.E.O. Wayne LaPierre used his opening speech at the N.R.A.’s national convention today to highlight several challenges facing the organization, including what he called “the rising cost of Senators.”
“Over the past few years, we’ve seen the price of purchasing a Senator surge astronomically,” he told the N.R.A. faithful. “Unless something is done to make Senators more affordable, the ability of a tiny lobbying group to overrule the wishes of ninety per cent of the American people will be in jeopardy.”
The days are over, he said, when “you could buy a Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) for little more than pocket change.”
“Now it costs thousands to purchase a marginally effective Senator like Kelly Ayotte (R-N.H.),” he said.
Mr. LaPierre was followed at the podium by the former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, the rock musician Ted Nugent, and several other people who would not pass background checks.
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chopin
Junior Member
Posts: 78
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Post by chopin on May 14, 2013 12:55:39 GMT -5
G.O.P. Split Over Whether to Waste Time Investigating Benghazi or Repealing Obamacare
by Andy Borowitz
The Borowitz Report (The news, reshuffled)
May 13, 2013
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A deep divide has emerged within the Republican Party over whether to waste Congress’s time investigating Benghazi talking points or repealing Obamacare, G.O.P. lawmakers confirmed today.
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia), sounded the first discordant note at a press briefing this morning, telling reporters, “The time for wasting day after day investigating Benghazi is over. The American people are counting us to waste our time repealing Obamacare yet again.”
Warning that “the American people don’t have an endless appetite for meaningless political theater,” Cantor added, “If we’re going to do something that’s purely symbolic, pointless, and detached from reality, I say it should be repealing Obamacare for the thirtieth or fortieth time.”
Rep. Cantor’s comments drew a strong rebuke from Darrell Issa (R-California), who has spearheaded the investigation into Benghazi: “Quite frankly, we have all the time in the world to blow repealing Obamacare. The moment to waste our time investigating Benghazi is now.” Noting that previous attempts to repeal Obamacare had cost the taxpayers approximately fifty million dollars, Issa said, “I think we’re entitled to spend at least that much, if not more, investigating Benghazi again and again and again.”
But even as the debate raged over whether Obamacare or Benghazi was more worthy of Congress’ wasted time, House Speaker John Boehner offered a third point of view: “Personally, I think the time we’re wasting on Benghazi and Obamacare could be better spent blocking progress on guns and immigration.”
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Post by ignatiusjean on May 14, 2013 16:49:40 GMT -5
You kid me not
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chopin
Junior Member
Posts: 78
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Post by chopin on May 17, 2013 8:27:55 GMT -5
Republicans Agree to Stop Using Word “Scandal” in Every Sentence If Obama Resigns
by Andy Borowitz
The Borowitz Report (The news, reshuffled)
May 16, 2013
WASHINGTON—Arguing that the American people are sick and tired of hearing the word “scandal,” a growing chorus of Republican lawmakers said they would stop using the word “scandal” in every sentence if President Obama resigns from office immediately.
“Mr. President, for the past week, the American people have heard nothing but scandal,” said Rep. Darrell Issa (R-California). “Scandal, scandal, scandal, and more scandal.” “You have called for investigations to get to the bottom of these scandals,” he added. “But the American thing to do is to quit.”
Agreeing that America was suffering from “scandal fatigue,” Sen. Lindsey Graham (R.-S. Carolina) said, “If even one of these scandals turns out to be real, it will be bigger than the creation of the universe,” adding that he and his fellow Republican senators were prepared to take turns standing in the well of the Senate chanting the word “scandal” until President Obama steps down.
“Rand Paul has personally offered to say the word ‘scandal’ for eleven hours,” he said.
On Fox News Channel, host Sean Hannity said that the American people were weary of hearing “nothing but scandal, scandal, scandal,” noting that Fox personalities had used the word “scandal” no fewer than thirty thousand times in the past four days.
“The only way President Obama can bring these scandals to a satisfying resolution is by resigning from office. Otherwise, he’s subjecting the American people to the ugly spectacle of scandal upon scandal upon scandal,” he said, adding, “Upon scandal.”
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chopin
Junior Member
Posts: 78
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Post by chopin on May 28, 2013 11:20:38 GMT -5
Syrian Rebels Urge McCain to Get Over Losing to Obama
by Andy Borowitz
The Borowitz Report (The news, reshuffled)
May 28, 2013
SYRIA (The Borowitz Report)—During a meeting yesterday with Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona), Syrian rebels told the senator that he still seemed “really bitter” about losing the 2008 election to President Obama and advised him to “get over it.”
After meeting with the Arizona senator in the border region near Turkey, a spokesman for the Syrian rebels told reporters that while they appreciated Sen. McCain’s support, “We were kind of uncomfortable with the place it was coming from.”
“It was pretty obvious to me and the other rebels that everything McCain was doing was just to get back at Obama,” the rebel spokesman said. “And we were like, look, that election was five years ago. It’s time to move on.”
Sen. McCain denied that his support of the Syrian rebels had anything to do with a personal vendetta against President Obama, but according to the rebel, “Every time he said ‘Obama,’ a vein in his head kind of bulged out.”
“The man is a simmering cauldron of rage,” the Syrian rebel said. “He needs to turn his anger toward Obama into something more positive. You can’t carry all of that hate around with you forever—it’s not healthy.”
For his part, Sen. McCain said that he was “finished” with the Syrian rebels and would now focus on starting a war with North Korea.
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